I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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