he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
its liver damage thursday
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