I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
