Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
