I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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