i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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