You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
