Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize