It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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