My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
