I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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