Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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