Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
