i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
