Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
