she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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