Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
