I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
