I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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