You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
