first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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