either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize