I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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