Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
