Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
