Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
