It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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