Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
