I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
