bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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