Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
