can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
