I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
