just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
