I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize