I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
