I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
