Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
