it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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