Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize