I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
