I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
