He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Your cock deserves a montage
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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