The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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