How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
