i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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