We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
