I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
