FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
