she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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