I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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