He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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