im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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