we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
