My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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