Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
