I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
