woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
