I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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