I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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